Yesterday was a perfect day. Perfectly what it was. It was the day that we gathered around and laid my dear Dale to rest. The ceremony was simple, the pastor did a wonderful eulogy that was short, but just long enough. There were a couple of poems read by my daughter and myself, a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace by the Celtic Women on CD that enveloped us like angels singing all around us. A few people spoke about what Dale had meant in their lives. His little cedar box rested on a table covered with a quilt that his mother had made. Homey and cosy. I asked his son if he wanted to place his small box of ashes in the ground as his last gesture of love. Then I gave him the quilt as a memory of his father and grandparents. All of the people that seemed important in his life were present and I don't think there was a dry eye present, but no outright sobbing either. I only shed a few tears as I have already sobbed my heart out so many days before. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing but not cold. Yes, I have never felt anything so perfect and peaceful in my life.
And now, that chapter is closed, but there is more to be written as I go on figuring out my solo place in this world. I would still be thrilled to fly by his side this very minute, but I will someday when it is my time.
I have spoken to several widows ( a term that I am not accustomed to at all) and have been told that it does get better, but leaves a deep wound. Many would still tear up as they spoke of many years gone by. But that is perfect, too. Perfect love and grief. I have to take solace in the fact that life really is what it is no matter how bad it seems at times.
This brings me around to gratitude. I am grateful for 10 wonderful years with Dale. He was always cheerful, colorful, and steady. It was his steadfastness that changed my life. He accepted each day as a gift and lived that way. He also died that way. I will always feel that is what he gave me..........a real look into the real world. So, steady she goes!
I had already said goodby to my love, but today was the real release. And friends and family were allowed to say farewell as well. We all have our memories and to be honest, we didn't tell a lot of them as they were just a bit too colorful (lest anyone would think that I was endorsing him for sainthood!)
I suppose that I should close this entry, also and start my new, real life.
Sherry
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Two steps backward
Well, today was a bit emotional. I listened to sappy music on the way to work. It really was beautiful piano concerto music. The kind that pulls you into a cloud of beautiful shimmering notes that melt all around you. But that leaves you open to emotion and these days that means tears! So, I went into work crying and trying to dry it all up. Ok, finally I got under control and then I had to go , at lunch, to buy a tombstone. A beautiful, marbley, bronzey flat tombstone. It will have his and my name cast nice and shiny and someday, I will be put beside my husband forever. Sigh............... then two or three? people came in and wanted to know how I am doing. One person Dale worked with for several years had just found out he was sick and wanted to know how he was doing?!?! Well, that just sucked it all out of me.
So, I had Hannah again, chattering cheerfully and playing around and it makes me feel a bit less morbid.
After purging Dale's "at home" clothes and bagging them up, I got the bright idea that I could actually cut his sweatshirts and pants (see below)into squares and blanket stitch around them for washing/cleaning cloths. Also, most of his shirts were some kind of blue plaid. This would make a lovely quilt for a lover of blue. I don't think I could ever sleep under it, but it would be very pretty. I may get around to "frogging" some of these (also below) old crocheted items that I never finished and try to make something else from the yarn. Or I can always look into my stash downstairs. No hurry, I know it is there when I am ready.
Some more of my sad photo attempts:
One huge blue and burgandy afghan and one small pink and green afghan to take apart and wind into balls for the future. One small child that I am not really sure what to do with!
I hope this closes things on a happier note!
So, I had Hannah again, chattering cheerfully and playing around and it makes me feel a bit less morbid.
After purging Dale's "at home" clothes and bagging them up, I got the bright idea that I could actually cut his sweatshirts and pants (see below)into squares and blanket stitch around them for washing/cleaning cloths. Also, most of his shirts were some kind of blue plaid. This would make a lovely quilt for a lover of blue. I don't think I could ever sleep under it, but it would be very pretty. I may get around to "frogging" some of these (also below) old crocheted items that I never finished and try to make something else from the yarn. Or I can always look into my stash downstairs. No hurry, I know it is there when I am ready.
Some more of my sad photo attempts:
One huge blue and burgandy afghan and one small pink and green afghan to take apart and wind into balls for the future. One small child that I am not really sure what to do with!
This lovely red sweat suit and a few others should make a plethora of soft wash cloths. Mine seem to have been eaten by the dryer. Buster is doing what he does best and that is chew, chew, chew...............I am sure that he is gonna be a lot of help!
Ooops! this stealthy invisable hunter crept into the picture. Can you find him??? hahaha. I don't really like the hunting thing, but HE did. I was searching for a picture of him in one of his many blue shirts and this one lept out at me instead.
I hope this closes things on a happier note!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Time to come back
Has it really been a month since I posted???? Shame on myself!
Today was a moderately busy day at work. Everything in it's own time, no hurry. The is always tommorrow to finish or the next. The first of the month crunch is over.
Since things seemed to be going so smoothly and orderly, I decided to continue when I got home. I drove up into the carport and saw two empty chains hanging from a beam at the end of the carport. That is where the babies' little blue swing was and where "Papa" used to sit and quietly push them. Usually they would fall asleep with the gentle swaying and slight rustling of the leaves. So sweet. But....... the memory made me burst into tears. It will never happen again. Oh, the strange little things that bring forth memories.
But Erika came in behind me and left Hannah with me and we both got busy. Hannah played in the new, not quite finished, play area that was the dining room. We never ate there and it is just perfect for a low table for coloring, block stacking, tea parties. We have odd pieces of cabinetry for storage, but still need a round table to put just under the hanging light fixture. It will be great. I can just see those little cuties grabbing crayons from each other and pulling hair and just having a wonderful time!
My main mission was to get my kitchen in order. I am not a kitchen diva. I use the dishes until there are no clean ones, the sink is atrocious, well you get the picture. So I decided to pare down to 2 each plates, cups, bowls, glasses, etc. I had to rewash everything in the dishwasher because they were coated in lime? I will have to check into that problem, but I shouldn't have to use the cursed thing now. I will have to go through my pots and pans, flatware, utensils, etc. This is a major purge and it is thrilling me. Then I decided to mop the floors since they were sticky and I couldn't remember when I had last done so. I just haven't cared to much in the last few months, but I got on with it.
Last night, for the first full night, Buster (the pup) and I slept in the bedroom instead of the couch. I got up only once when Buster got restless and closed him up in the bathroom. I had already made him a bed and put down a puppy pad. He did quite well, actually. I have decided to keep him there while I am at work. I hate to, but it is better than a 24" x 36" kennel, even if he does weigh 2 pounds. I won't say he is really company yet, but he certainly is a distraction and gives me plenty to do, so I reckon he can just stay on. :)
I have more plans for tommorrow night (after I finish the kitchen project) and I hope I can keep momentum rolling!
And today marked 2 months since Dale passed away. How could that be?
Today was a moderately busy day at work. Everything in it's own time, no hurry. The is always tommorrow to finish or the next. The first of the month crunch is over.
Since things seemed to be going so smoothly and orderly, I decided to continue when I got home. I drove up into the carport and saw two empty chains hanging from a beam at the end of the carport. That is where the babies' little blue swing was and where "Papa" used to sit and quietly push them. Usually they would fall asleep with the gentle swaying and slight rustling of the leaves. So sweet. But....... the memory made me burst into tears. It will never happen again. Oh, the strange little things that bring forth memories.
But Erika came in behind me and left Hannah with me and we both got busy. Hannah played in the new, not quite finished, play area that was the dining room. We never ate there and it is just perfect for a low table for coloring, block stacking, tea parties. We have odd pieces of cabinetry for storage, but still need a round table to put just under the hanging light fixture. It will be great. I can just see those little cuties grabbing crayons from each other and pulling hair and just having a wonderful time!
My main mission was to get my kitchen in order. I am not a kitchen diva. I use the dishes until there are no clean ones, the sink is atrocious, well you get the picture. So I decided to pare down to 2 each plates, cups, bowls, glasses, etc. I had to rewash everything in the dishwasher because they were coated in lime? I will have to check into that problem, but I shouldn't have to use the cursed thing now. I will have to go through my pots and pans, flatware, utensils, etc. This is a major purge and it is thrilling me. Then I decided to mop the floors since they were sticky and I couldn't remember when I had last done so. I just haven't cared to much in the last few months, but I got on with it.
Last night, for the first full night, Buster (the pup) and I slept in the bedroom instead of the couch. I got up only once when Buster got restless and closed him up in the bathroom. I had already made him a bed and put down a puppy pad. He did quite well, actually. I have decided to keep him there while I am at work. I hate to, but it is better than a 24" x 36" kennel, even if he does weigh 2 pounds. I won't say he is really company yet, but he certainly is a distraction and gives me plenty to do, so I reckon he can just stay on. :)
I have more plans for tommorrow night (after I finish the kitchen project) and I hope I can keep momentum rolling!
And today marked 2 months since Dale passed away. How could that be?
Friday, September 14, 2012
Love is a learning curve
Tommorrow will mark the one month anniversary of Dale's death. This is NOT a post about that, per se, but what I have learned from it all. It will all come back around, I promise.
Growing up was not a time of love for me. I didn't emotionally recieve it or learn to give it. I guess I didn't even think about it a lot. Along about the age of 15, I met this tall, thin, nice guy. We fell into "something" That something had burned out for me in the summer before my graduation year. Marriage plans were made, expectations were there, my parents were relieved that I wasn't pregnant, etc. I became very depressed and wouldn't admit even subconsciously that I didn't love him. We broke up, he moped around, I felt sorry for him, we got married, we had 2 children......but something was really missing. I wasn't living life as I thought it should be. Not the gingham curtains, picket fence, with children running around with the dog, etc.
I managed to raise 2 wonderful kids that I hope didn't suffer too much from my lacking the knowledge of love. Now, I know that I loved them, but, ours was not a warm/fuzzy/huggy place. I can't get that back, and it hurts a lot. So after 28 years of this, I finally woke up one day and admitted to myself that I wanted to be on my own to "find myself" (does any of this sound vaguely familiar???). There were no big confrontations and my husband was very gracious, but couldn't understand where I was coming from. Well, neither could I, but I had to get out! One night during all of this talking I just blurted out "I don't love you!" Now I don't know how I could have said that even remotely gracefully, but he just stood there and said, "well, ok, that explains a lot of things, I reckon". So we divorced and remained friends until he passed away suddenly almost 2 years ago. I know now that I actually did him a favor, too, because he eventually married a woman that was totally right for him. We all knew it and I was so happy for him because I felt that I had actually cheated him all those years.
Ok, getting closer to the curve here. I was working in a jewelry store when this short blond guy came walking in needing something engraved. Since it is a small town, we knew each other. In fact we raised our kids in the same church, but were doing our own thing. (Neither of us knew that the other was divorced because I stopped going to church as they had). A month later we married. It was until death do we part. I had found love, but I still didn't "quite" get it. Now I do. God sent this little round guy to me to teach me what unconditional love is. He never held me back, never criticized me, never was rude.......he accepted me totally, just like I was. He was so happy to find someone that accepted him and loved him, too because he thought he was disabled and had some health problems. This guy overcame most of these through sheer determination. But we spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. Flying colors, but I stressed so much over each visit. I stressed myself so that my health has started to decline and he would always be so quiet so I could rest. He would do the cooking, laundry, etc. because I was always so tired. In other words, he took care of me as much as any human could, as long as he could. I knew how much he loved me and I him. We took care of each other....it just came naturally.
Ok, the lesson I learned (it only took ten years) is total love - physical, spiritual, all encompassing love. I was praying the other night and it all came together. THAT is how God loves. He was trying to teach me what love is and how to love others. Profound, yet simple. I realized that nothing else mattered. God loves me and wants to take care of me with nothing in return. Nothing at all, except LOVE. Love is everywhere, in everyone, in ME! It is free, so I don't have to worry about ever owing for it! Love takes away doubt, fear, worry, you name it. But another lesson that I am undergoing is remembering all of this because I have lived 57 years in the dark.
Now, winding down this post I will say that I am learning to look through situations and forgive more, not to worry so much about things that I cannot control, encourage more, be a bit kinder and trust more. But the most important and difficult thing to learn is how to love myself. I have the rest of my life to work on it.
Does this sound like a biography, testimony, sermon? None of the above, it is a revelation. It has nothing to do with religion, the universe, long held beliefs. It is freedom from it all!
A lot of my pain is fading and understanding is taking it's place. I will always love Dale, not matter what the future holds and I will never forget our life together. It was a gift from God.
Growing up was not a time of love for me. I didn't emotionally recieve it or learn to give it. I guess I didn't even think about it a lot. Along about the age of 15, I met this tall, thin, nice guy. We fell into "something" That something had burned out for me in the summer before my graduation year. Marriage plans were made, expectations were there, my parents were relieved that I wasn't pregnant, etc. I became very depressed and wouldn't admit even subconsciously that I didn't love him. We broke up, he moped around, I felt sorry for him, we got married, we had 2 children......but something was really missing. I wasn't living life as I thought it should be. Not the gingham curtains, picket fence, with children running around with the dog, etc.
I managed to raise 2 wonderful kids that I hope didn't suffer too much from my lacking the knowledge of love. Now, I know that I loved them, but, ours was not a warm/fuzzy/huggy place. I can't get that back, and it hurts a lot. So after 28 years of this, I finally woke up one day and admitted to myself that I wanted to be on my own to "find myself" (does any of this sound vaguely familiar???). There were no big confrontations and my husband was very gracious, but couldn't understand where I was coming from. Well, neither could I, but I had to get out! One night during all of this talking I just blurted out "I don't love you!" Now I don't know how I could have said that even remotely gracefully, but he just stood there and said, "well, ok, that explains a lot of things, I reckon". So we divorced and remained friends until he passed away suddenly almost 2 years ago. I know now that I actually did him a favor, too, because he eventually married a woman that was totally right for him. We all knew it and I was so happy for him because I felt that I had actually cheated him all those years.
Ok, getting closer to the curve here. I was working in a jewelry store when this short blond guy came walking in needing something engraved. Since it is a small town, we knew each other. In fact we raised our kids in the same church, but were doing our own thing. (Neither of us knew that the other was divorced because I stopped going to church as they had). A month later we married. It was until death do we part. I had found love, but I still didn't "quite" get it. Now I do. God sent this little round guy to me to teach me what unconditional love is. He never held me back, never criticized me, never was rude.......he accepted me totally, just like I was. He was so happy to find someone that accepted him and loved him, too because he thought he was disabled and had some health problems. This guy overcame most of these through sheer determination. But we spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. Flying colors, but I stressed so much over each visit. I stressed myself so that my health has started to decline and he would always be so quiet so I could rest. He would do the cooking, laundry, etc. because I was always so tired. In other words, he took care of me as much as any human could, as long as he could. I knew how much he loved me and I him. We took care of each other....it just came naturally.
Ok, the lesson I learned (it only took ten years) is total love - physical, spiritual, all encompassing love. I was praying the other night and it all came together. THAT is how God loves. He was trying to teach me what love is and how to love others. Profound, yet simple. I realized that nothing else mattered. God loves me and wants to take care of me with nothing in return. Nothing at all, except LOVE. Love is everywhere, in everyone, in ME! It is free, so I don't have to worry about ever owing for it! Love takes away doubt, fear, worry, you name it. But another lesson that I am undergoing is remembering all of this because I have lived 57 years in the dark.
Now, winding down this post I will say that I am learning to look through situations and forgive more, not to worry so much about things that I cannot control, encourage more, be a bit kinder and trust more. But the most important and difficult thing to learn is how to love myself. I have the rest of my life to work on it.
Does this sound like a biography, testimony, sermon? None of the above, it is a revelation. It has nothing to do with religion, the universe, long held beliefs. It is freedom from it all!
A lot of my pain is fading and understanding is taking it's place. I will always love Dale, not matter what the future holds and I will never forget our life together. It was a gift from God.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Sluggish
I just realized that I am doing what I have always done; and that is forgetting about my blog. I really want to keep this one up if just for a journal for me.
I've been busy trying to settle insurance policies (that I thank God that I have them) , cancelling phone and tv contracts, if you can believe they actually let me do that! A death certificate is a pretty good answer for most of them. I am able , since I have those insurance policies, to refinance my house so that I can stay there. It is my home. I know that I have been back and forth with different ideas as to my living arrangements and it just seems that I have kept the whole family upset. I really think that they want me to stay home, so I will.
I may change paint to freshen up things and rearrange, too. But it will be Gigi's house. My almost 3 y\o is pretty savvy and she was told that Papa went to heaven and she is good with that and says that she knows that I miss him. She says, "It is ok to cry Gigi." Such things make life much more manageable.
I am also ready to figure out a memorial service and scatter Dale's ashes. I will do it right here at home and put up some sort of a temporary headstone, until I can figure out where to put both of us permanently. It is the best I can do.
So now, even tho I should, I don't plan to worry about the basement . (What a cop-out!!!!!!!) I am thinking about turning the dining room into a craft area, but with the babies, I don't know......... I need to keep things out so that I will remember to work on them. Yes, I am that bad. I do have Christmas and crochet on my mind. I have to go down and figure out what I want to do and find the yarns to do it with. But first!!!!!! I am going to make myself a purse! I simply cannot find one that I like and am tired of paying for them. I have some wonderful patterns that I can alter to suit myself, and I have some nylon yarn/thread to do it with. Maybe I should decide and post a pre-picture and then I will be obligated to work on it and post my progress. I always have needed a fire lit under my butt to get going on things!
So with that, I will get back later.............. :)
I've been busy trying to settle insurance policies (that I thank God that I have them) , cancelling phone and tv contracts, if you can believe they actually let me do that! A death certificate is a pretty good answer for most of them. I am able , since I have those insurance policies, to refinance my house so that I can stay there. It is my home. I know that I have been back and forth with different ideas as to my living arrangements and it just seems that I have kept the whole family upset. I really think that they want me to stay home, so I will.
I may change paint to freshen up things and rearrange, too. But it will be Gigi's house. My almost 3 y\o is pretty savvy and she was told that Papa went to heaven and she is good with that and says that she knows that I miss him. She says, "It is ok to cry Gigi." Such things make life much more manageable.
I am also ready to figure out a memorial service and scatter Dale's ashes. I will do it right here at home and put up some sort of a temporary headstone, until I can figure out where to put both of us permanently. It is the best I can do.
So now, even tho I should, I don't plan to worry about the basement . (What a cop-out!!!!!!!) I am thinking about turning the dining room into a craft area, but with the babies, I don't know......... I need to keep things out so that I will remember to work on them. Yes, I am that bad. I do have Christmas and crochet on my mind. I have to go down and figure out what I want to do and find the yarns to do it with. But first!!!!!! I am going to make myself a purse! I simply cannot find one that I like and am tired of paying for them. I have some wonderful patterns that I can alter to suit myself, and I have some nylon yarn/thread to do it with. Maybe I should decide and post a pre-picture and then I will be obligated to work on it and post my progress. I always have needed a fire lit under my butt to get going on things!
So with that, I will get back later.............. :)
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Not for the faint of heart!
As promised, here are some "before" pics of my new living space. Be glad this is not in 3D because you might just jump out of your chair! These pictures were taken with my phone and are not the best clear representation of all of these yummy treasures! I did forget to take pictures of the two large windows. I didn't even have the lights on for these pictures and there was plenty of light. There is actually about 450 sq. ft. down there. I will have to add a small bathroom and teeny kitchen/workspace. My mind is swirling with ideas!
Looks like I am going to have to work on my picture posting skills.
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| Only part of my yarn stash. |
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| The only spot that isn't trashed. One wall is ocean blue and the other is a lime green! Experiment gone so bad! This picture certainly did not pick up the green. And it is GREEN! |
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| How many time have I rummaged through this stuff for a treasure that wasn't there. |
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| Washer is great, the dryer got fried by lightening. |
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| This is just the stair landing! |
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Something old, something new
Ok so I changed the name of my blog again. This one seems to really fit way better. I am not ready to do beautiful things yet. I am in survival mode and there is no reason to pretend that I am not!
So, today I have decided to start doing one good deed per day and being thankful for one thing that has been done for me.
It is not hard to do one simple little thing for another person. Even anonomously. In fact secret goodness is even better because I won't be tempted to pat myself of the back. I will have to review my day to pick out one simple thing that happened to me.
Also, for now, I pledge to do one extra thing each day to simplify. Just one simple thing. Since I am planning to move downstairs, I need to get started! I can also do more, but I have to do one thing.
My friend ember (hi!, ember) has a daily process of tossing (or gifting) one item per day. That is doable. I came home with determination and tossed papers that I had gone thru and left wadded up on the floor. I tossed Dale's undies, and belts away also. The first thing of his that I threw out was his toothbrush, the next day, his dentures. It seems to follow a pattern, sorta.
Actually I haven't done one single thing since he got sick back in June. Others have done laundry, dishes, swept floors, but I haven't, until today, done much of anything. I may get around to the dishes because I need to take dishes back to those wonderful people that brought food over. People really are kind, even if they don't know it!
BTW, this all actually will kick in tommorrow since I kinda got a late start today.
Tommorrow I plan to start planning my new "digs" downstairs. I am going to be brave and even post some "before" pictures. I am brave, oh yes I am!
So, today I have decided to start doing one good deed per day and being thankful for one thing that has been done for me.
It is not hard to do one simple little thing for another person. Even anonomously. In fact secret goodness is even better because I won't be tempted to pat myself of the back. I will have to review my day to pick out one simple thing that happened to me.
Also, for now, I pledge to do one extra thing each day to simplify. Just one simple thing. Since I am planning to move downstairs, I need to get started! I can also do more, but I have to do one thing.
My friend ember (hi!, ember) has a daily process of tossing (or gifting) one item per day. That is doable. I came home with determination and tossed papers that I had gone thru and left wadded up on the floor. I tossed Dale's undies, and belts away also. The first thing of his that I threw out was his toothbrush, the next day, his dentures. It seems to follow a pattern, sorta.
Actually I haven't done one single thing since he got sick back in June. Others have done laundry, dishes, swept floors, but I haven't, until today, done much of anything. I may get around to the dishes because I need to take dishes back to those wonderful people that brought food over. People really are kind, even if they don't know it!
BTW, this all actually will kick in tommorrow since I kinda got a late start today.
Tommorrow I plan to start planning my new "digs" downstairs. I am going to be brave and even post some "before" pictures. I am brave, oh yes I am!
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