Love is a learning curve

Tommorrow will mark the one month anniversary of Dale's death. This is NOT a post about that, per se, but what I have learned from it all. It will all come back around, I promise.

Growing up was not a time of love for me.  I didn't emotionally recieve it or learn to give it. I guess I didn't even think about it a lot.  Along about the age of 15, I met this tall, thin, nice guy.  We fell into "something"  That something had burned out for me in the summer before my graduation year.  Marriage plans were made, expectations were there, my parents were relieved that I wasn't pregnant, etc.  I became very depressed and wouldn't admit even subconsciously that I didn't love him. We broke up, he moped around, I felt sorry for him, we got married, we had 2 children......but something was really missing.  I wasn't living life as I thought it should be. Not the gingham curtains, picket fence, with children running around with the dog, etc.

I managed to raise 2 wonderful kids that I hope didn't suffer too much from my lacking the knowledge of love.  Now, I know that I loved them, but, ours was not a warm/fuzzy/huggy place. I can't get that back, and it hurts a lot.  So after 28 years of this, I finally woke up one day and admitted to myself that I wanted to be on my own to "find myself" (does any of this sound vaguely familiar???). There were no big confrontations and my husband was very gracious, but couldn't understand where I was coming from.  Well, neither could I, but I had to get out!  One night during all of this talking I just blurted out "I don't love you!"  Now I don't know how I could have said that even remotely gracefully, but he just stood there and said, "well, ok, that explains a lot of things, I reckon".  So we divorced and remained friends until he passed away suddenly almost 2 years ago. I know now that I actually did him a favor, too, because he eventually married a woman that was totally right for him.  We all knew it and I was so happy for him because I felt that I had actually cheated him all those years.

Ok, getting closer to the curve here.   I was working in a jewelry store when this short blond guy came walking in needing something engraved.  Since it is a small town, we knew each other.  In fact we raised our kids in the same church, but were doing our own thing. (Neither of us knew that the other was divorced because I stopped going to church as they had). A month later we married.  It was until death do we part.  I had found love, but I still didn't "quite" get it.  Now I do.  God sent this little round guy to me to teach me what unconditional love is.  He never held me back, never criticized me, never was rude.......he accepted me totally, just like I was.  He was so happy to find someone that accepted him and loved him, too because he thought he was  disabled and had some health problems. This guy overcame most of these through sheer determination.  But we spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital.  Flying colors, but I stressed so much over each visit. I stressed myself so that my health has started to decline and he would always be so quiet so I could rest.  He would do the cooking, laundry, etc. because I was always so tired.   In other words, he took care of me as much as any human could, as long as he could. I knew how much he loved me and I him. We took care of each other....it just came naturally.

Ok, the lesson I learned (it only took ten years) is total love - physical, spiritual, all encompassing love.  I was praying the other night and it all came together. THAT is how God loves. He was trying to teach me what love is and how to love others.  Profound, yet simple. I realized that nothing else mattered. God loves me and wants to take care of me with nothing in return.  Nothing at all, except LOVE. Love is everywhere, in everyone, in ME!  It is free, so I don't have to worry about ever owing for it!  Love takes away doubt, fear, worry, you name it. But another lesson that I am undergoing is remembering all of this because I have lived 57 years in the dark.   

Now, winding down this post I will say that I am learning to look through situations and forgive more, not to worry so much about things that I cannot control, encourage more, be a bit kinder and trust more.  But the most important and difficult thing to learn is how to love myself.  I have the rest of my life to work on it.

Does this sound like a biography, testimony, sermon?  None of the above, it is a revelation.  It has nothing to do with religion, the universe, long held beliefs. It is freedom from it all!


A lot of my pain is fading and understanding is taking it's place. I will always love Dale, not matter what the future holds and I will never forget our life together.  It was a gift from God.

Sluggish

 I just realized that I am doing what I have always done; and that is forgetting about my blog.  I really want to keep this one up if just for a journal for me.

I've been busy trying to settle insurance policies (that I thank God that I have them) , cancelling phone and tv contracts, if you can believe they actually let me do that!  A death certificate is a pretty good answer for most of them.  I am able , since I have those insurance policies, to refinance my house so that I can stay there.  It is my home.  I know that I have been back and forth with different ideas as to my living arrangements and it just seems that I have kept the whole family upset.  I really think that they want me to stay home, so I will.

I may change paint to freshen up things and rearrange, too.   But it will be Gigi's house.  My almost 3 y\o is pretty savvy and she was told that Papa went to heaven and she is good with that and says that she knows that I miss him.  She says, "It is ok to cry Gigi."  Such things make life much more manageable.

I am also ready to figure out a memorial service and scatter Dale's ashes.  I will do it right here at home and put up some sort of a temporary headstone, until I can figure out where to put both of us permanently.  It is the best I can do.

So now, even tho I should, I don't plan to worry about the basement . (What a cop-out!!!!!!!)  I am thinking about turning the dining room into a craft area, but with the babies, I don't know.........   I need to keep things out so that I will remember to work on them.  Yes, I am that bad. I do have Christmas and crochet on my mind.  I have to go down and figure out what I want to do and find the yarns to do it with.  But first!!!!!!  I am going to make myself a purse!  I simply cannot find one that I like and am tired of paying for them.  I have some wonderful patterns that I can alter to suit myself, and I have some nylon yarn/thread to do it with. Maybe I should decide and post a pre-picture and then I will be obligated to work on it and post my progress.  I always have needed a fire lit under my butt to get going on things!

So with that, I will get back later.............. :)